Recharged and Incharge...

Somewhere between "I know who I am" and "Who the do I want to be", I realized I had lost part of myself. I had lost the girl with fire for life. She was still there... but she was on a road to making everyone happy but herself and some of those most dear to her.

I heard a speaker talk about firing yourself from making others happy and taking happy back. And in that second, I realized that is what I had been trying to do for the last few months but had not put into words. So, now armed with this new set of words I take charge. I recharge and take charge. Not only do we have Sexy back... but we have happy back.

This is kinda freaky for me... I have to retrain my brain to not feel responsible for anther persons happiness. When I think that some parent has an issue with me or one of my husbands friends take issue with me I need to let that be their issue, not mine. Wow, seems so easy in print.... but to retrain the brain or even my heart... now that is huge.

Maybe getting back to blogging will help...

If you are going to chuck the bra at me... could you biggy size it for me...

If I were a rockstar.... and I know I am not, I would not be the drummer. I would have to be the singer... if I had a great voice.

Is it not strange how the word "singer" is pronounced. Some people drop the "s" and really pronounce the "ger", some drop the "g" and it sounds more like sinner.... Odd really.

Anywho back to me be the amazing rockstar with the great set of hooters.... oh and nobody told me the older I get the bigger they would get. My hooters that is not the rockstar fame. Well this weekend for my birthday we are having a Rockband party. I will be rocken out to all the great big hair bands... I may get a blister on my thumb from the guitar... my voice may be gone cause I have to sing loud... just so everyone in my neighbourhood knows it is my birthday... but one thing is for sure, I will not be the drummer! I for the life of me can not get my arms (hands), feet... whatever do the thing that drummers do.

Really do drummers have time to think... and some even sing at the same time.... wow. I wonder how drummers say "singer"....

Should be a great time!

Shut up... is running like a loop in my head...

10 things I am surprised by...

1. ... people use facebook to pick on others
2. ... my lack of ability to set boundaries with people
3. ... how afraid I can feel just being myself
4. ... sex can cause bladder infection
5. ... how messy the house can get in such a short time
6. ... how much I can dislike a person and feel bad about it
7. ... why people think I would know how someone lost their weight
8. ... how people judge others easier because they lost weight
9. ... are people really that stupid that they think skinny people are nicer
10. ... how much anger I have today...

Where did that come from...

Holy Batman that was one heck of a good workout today! I feel amazing... however in 24 hours I may not be able to move!

I have been back to the gym since January... I have not lost a single pound... probably not even a single inch (not that pounds are the goal here... just mental health....but). I would like a bit of movement just so I know I am on the right track. I do have to clean up my eating ... not just for weight, but for health.

I have to say I feel positive and great. I am loving being back at the gym. Nothing clears my head better... a holiday might help too!

4am and reseaching how to help when your back is against the wall...

Yesterday was parent/teacher interviews. The girls (party girl and little ms amazing) did amazing as always.... perfect this, perfect that. My son (mr anxious), well he is having a hard time focusing when a project is given to him. Once he gets started he is off and gone... but the getting started is so painful! Poor kid. There is so little help out there for children with high anxiety and the teachers that teach them and the parents that love them.

We have taken courses, he has taken courses... we have brought specialists in. But unless the teacher gets anxiety... I mean gets it. Well, it just makes for a tough time for everyone.

I think this teacher gets it.... but with 27 children in a classroom all with different needs (some more then others) anxiety is gonna be flying no matter what anyone does (unless we fill the day with deep breathing and Yoga ... lol). Then I wonder am I being a bad parent not homeschooling him. The "professionals" say he needs public school.... he needs the social time.... he needs the different sights and noises.

He is such a bright kid... he knows more about stuff then I do. And I am super proud of how hard he works to keep his fears in place. I just wish I had more answers for him and for the teacher. I wish school could the same for him as it is for the girls....

Well I went and ran 3km today and then took an hour long walk with the golden! And now i have typed it... off to celebrate the great kid that only part of his personality has to do with anxiety... it is not who he is.

Is that watered down brown.... cause it looks like poo brown on my shirt...

I don't like the color of the kitchen cabinets... so now I will have to get it tinted darker. Really why did I not just buy a new house??? OH that is right because all the new houses were drug house at the time.

Perhaps my MIL will bring me coffee today! Yes that is my silver lining people... gggrrrr!

Control.... where is the control...

Reno hell.... need I say more. Tuesday will bring... sanding, washing... painting and more.

So when I run and I feel the back fat jiggle (either that or someone needs to tell me I have more boobs on my back).... it makes me eat more chocolate! I can't stop myself... intervention is needed here.

"Million roads I have to take..." no clue who sang that.... country I think.

So true, my hubby is a long haul truck driver... and he takes many roads to come home. It is funny the stigma that goes with being a trucker or a truckers wife. When I tell people what he does for a living it is surprising how many people say they are sorry. I would say 98% of all say sorry... and then there is the small 2% that say... aren't you lucky. Well this is what I think...

-trucking is a job... a job that can pay well.
-things always need to be trucked (praise God in this day and age)
- a way to sent your own hours and holidays
- your family can go with you
-distance makes the heart grow fonder
- we feel lonely at times
- sometimes I feel angry that I have to do most of the raising of the children
- we have learnt to be great comunitcators cause we talk so much on the phone
- not all truckers are fat
- not all truckers cheat... really, that seems very strange to type... since look at all the men and women cheating these days
- I would be just fine with any of my children being truckers
- there should be no shame in trucking
- good girlfriends are a must

I am blessed to have a hardworking trucken man that has a heart of gold! I am blessed to be able to stay home and raise our babies (even if I love 8pm as I tuck the last one in on crazy days). I am blessed to be married to a man that can talk to me on the phone for over 2 hours and still have more to say. I am blessed to have a husband that will take the million roads just to come and see me!

Really... I don't need sorrys... do I.